My Miserable Fight
I just got home from a stint of travels and got to see a friend that I haven’t seen in a long time. I absolutely love her! She’s outgoing, fun to be around, knows how to cut to the core of my nonsense, and she chooses to keep hanging out with me despite my weirdness. That’s what I call a true friend, if anything.
Though she’s an absolute joy to be around, something was a little off this last time I saw her. I was talking to her with my normal, yet goofy demeanor and things were just flying over her head as if her brain were just somewhere else. This difference that I was sensing wasn't something new to my recognition. In fact, I’d met this awkwardness before and from that moment I could tell that even though she was trying her hardest to not let anyone know, she was feeling miserable.
For once though, I knew (in my deepest of knowings) exactly what it was! I didn't feel like I had to ask her any questions to find out. Something in me could recognize exactly what she was going through because I had gone through it just about a year ago.
Yes, me. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Martay. Just last year I was going through one of the hardest times in my life where I was faced with what I know now as a weighty choice: I could choose to believe in the dark nothingness I saw all around me or I could choose to not give up on dreaming the dreams God had given me.
Let me explain myself.
Last year, I was in the continuation of what many people in the Christian faith call the wilderness season. I've come to learn that everyone who chooses to follow Christ has one, no matter how talented or beautiful you may seem to be. The wilderness season, or what I like to call the darkness, is where everything at first glance seems miserable and as if it just isn’t working. Yes, I’ve been there. Done that.
Let’s be honest, I never chose to go through a period of life that would be dark. In fact, it kind of took me by surprise. I chose Jesus to be the savior and love of my life when I was 15. My parents were going through a divorce and I knew I needed the peace that only God could give. I thought I was committing to a God who would make my days brighter, not darker. How and why did I get drug into this dark catalyst of what seemed like no hope along the way? I’ve asked myself that question many times and what I’ve come to realize is this:
- When we give our lives to Jesus, he gives us big dreams.
- Your big dreams (the ones that put a gigantic smile on your face when you ponder them) are made to give you fulfillment as your pursue them and help fulfill the plans that God has for his Kingdom.
- In order for those dreams to be fully realized and maximized for his glory, we have to go through a process.
- The process looks dark.
There. I said it. Most people will never say that or commit that to a blog, but I will. It’s just the truth.
Even Jesus had to go through a time where things seemed dark. In fact, the bible says that the Holy Spirit--- GOD HIMSELF--- led him there. While he was there, he was hungry, alone and bombarded by the devil constantly asking him to prove what God had told him, as well as who he was. (Matthew 4:1-11).
Dang. I mean, just put yourself in his shoes for 2 seconds. Jesus, too, was probably tempted to feel miserable during this time, but I like what he does: no matter how hard the devil pushes him and tempts him to give up on the plans that God has given him for his earthly life, he doesn’t quit and keeps the word of God at the center of his focus.
Have you been there? I know I have. Last year it seemed hopeless for me financially. I was in way too much debt in comparison to the money coming in. Debt collectors’ calls and job applications were coming in and going out by the hundreds. My family seemed to be going crazy from different issues. My music ministry was nowhere near the vision God had given me. My life looked like a mess and I had two options: continue believing God for the dreams he’d given me in all those areas of my life or to give up and believe what I could see. If we give up on our dreams and believe what we see, we will ultimately start to feel miserable. That is what the devil intends to happen and that is why he tries soooooo hard to get us down (in our thought life especially).
I can’t say the process is easy, because it’s not. I remember waking up in tears and reciting the same scripture 30 times throughout the day to keep my faith intact. I remember the anxiety that would knock at my door vividly. “What if the debt collectors take my car? What if so-and-so kills himself from all this family drama? What if…? What if…? What if…?”
The questions will always come, but what if we choose to believe God anyway?
From my own experience I can truly say that the process is worth it. It’s worth every loss. It’s worth every tear. It’s worth every moment. I look back on that time and I never thought I’d say this, but I am so grateful. If it were not for that time in my life, I would not know who I am in Christ, I would not know how to operate in the power he has invested in me, and I would not be walking in the plans God has for my life. Those are three things that I can’t afford to be without. Three things worth going through a period of darkness for.
Do you feel alone? Are you hungry for more? Is life truly dark right now?
Look deeper. What’s on the line for you?
I’m telling you: Things may be dark in your life, but DO NOT give up the fight. It is worth it.
I love you.
xOxO - Martay