Confession: I'm blind


These past 2 days have been hard for me. I’ve been in Boston, the place where I went to college and first began doing music. Sometimes I treat it as if it’s no big deal to come back here, but it’s a historical pillar in the development process of who I’ve become: this is the place where God first showed me that He wasn’t lying when he said He'd be with me WHEREVER I go.

“… And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.- Matthew 28:20

I was all alone when I left California and went off to college 3,000 miles away and quite frankly, I was completely "blind" while doing it. I don’t mean blind in the physical, natural sense; I mean blind as being unable to foresee what God was doing in my life.

I had never visited Boston and was desperate for change in my life. I mean, I had been bred all my life to go to college. Then, right before it was time to go away to school my parents got a nasty divorce and the finances just weren’t there for me to go as planned. This didn’t stop my desire for wanting to go: I was so desperate to get there, do better, and to have something change in my life.

I’m not quite sure if God led me away to Boston or if I was just running from all the bad in my life, but He was there every step of the way and held my hand through every turn. I had no idea that the decision to pack up and leave for 4 years would be used by God in such a powerful way to cultivate who I am.

This morning I woke up with a realization that I’m in that exact place of being "blind" again, yet further along in my journey. I’m definitely not the young girl I was when I was at 18 when I “spontaneously” decided to leave for college. Not at all. I’m now 25 for starters and have learned so many life lessons with God's help:

(1) I’ve learned that there’s no better path to walk in life than the one that magically seems to appear behind the heels of Jesus as he leads you.

(2) I’ve learned that being loyal to someone you love is the best gift you could give to yourself.

(3) I’ve learned that I don’t have to have it all figured out… ever.

(4) I’ve learned that nothing matters unless God is at the center of it.

[The list goes on…]

These are all things that I learned while feeling completely “blind” and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Yet, two days ago I was completely frustrated and angry because I feel blind… I couldn’t see (and still can’t see) where I’m going in life.

It can be rough at times and at times I’ve found myself carried away by looking at everyone I know who seems to have a clear path to their goals, as well as what they want to do in life.

I say things like, “It’s not fair God, can you just take all this ‘unknowing’ away from me?” BUT THEN, God reminds me with simple thoughts and in words of devotion that the best place to be is where only He can come through (thanks to Scott Lack for burning that into my brain). He also reminds me that if I’m blind and all I’m able to focus on is Him, that I’m EXACTLY where I should be.

One of the most encouraging examples to let me know it’s ok to be “blind” and right where I'm at today is that of Abraham in the bible. Yep, I’m taking it back.

Abraham, when asked by God to take his son up on a mountain to be sacrificed, was probably getting a little nervous. Or if he’s anything like me, he probably wanted to have a melt down. Why? Well, Abraham had been promised by God that he’d be the father of many nations, but here he was very old and taking the ONE, pure-blooded son God had given him to the top of a mountain to be sacrificed.

Are you trekking with me here?

He’s told that he’s going to have millions of descendants and the one son he can have proper descendants stem from is going to be killed on a mountaintop for the glory of God. The best logic says that this sounds like a sick joke.

But, what does Abraham do? Having no idea what is going to happen in his life, he blindly walks up a mountain with his one hope of fulfilling his dream (his son) and lays him on a rock to be sacrificed.

Let’s pause right here: wow. Do you see how Abraham is BLIND and full of TRUST? I want to be just like him! Don't you?

Right before Abraham goes to sacrifice his son for the Lord, God provides a twist to the story and has an animal intervene to take the place of Abraham’s son as a sacrifice. Say what?

Yes. An animal appears out of nowhere to take the spot of Isaac, Abraham’s son, as a sacrifice. Yeah, I said it twice. Just so we wouldn't miss it. Who was expecting that? Certainly not me. And certainly not Abraham.

What's my point? It's clear: God is good and despite our blindness, has a marvelous plan that includes the provision we need to fulfill the dreams He’s put in our hearts. If he did for Abraham, he does for you and me too.

Now, let’s be honest: being blind doesn’t feel great. I currently feel like a child. I need so much help all the time from my Father and His Holy Spirit. There’s something in me, my fleshly nature, that longs to break away and be independent. To say, “I got out of debt all by myself” or “I built this company with only my brain” or even… “I know exactly who I am and what I want to do for the rest of my life, aren’t I brilliant?

But, guess what?

It’s not happening.

When we follow the one who has the best plan for our lives, it never will. God loves to be a part of EVERYTHING we are and all that we do. He’s with us ALWAYS, remember? And nobody (unless they have some major problems to deal with) likes to sit around and play a passive role in the life of their child, especially when they're always present. 

So, why do we get so upset when we’re “blind”?

If we truly understand that God has an amazing plan for our lives (Ephesians 3:20, Jeremiah 29:11), we don't have to be so mad and upset when we have no idea what we’re doing or where our lives seem to be going.

I still don’t know a lot of things.

I still to this day don’t know what kind of music genre I’m made to be in. God won’t tell me because He knows that if I get to much info I will go cut 5 records without Him. Not happening.

I don’t know how I’m going to get out of debt. I don’t know how ANY of my dreams are going to come to pass. I don’t know what my family will look like in a year— everyone is moving away to pursue their dreams. I just don’t know. But that’s ok, because He does. And there’s beauty in uncertainty.

What don’t you know? Is not knowing consuming you?

Take a deep breath. Seriously, take a deep breath. (It feels amazing.)

I encourage you to relish in your blindness today and ALWAYS. Let it draw you closer to God. You’ll never regret it and it will be one of the historical pillars of your development if you allow it to draw you closer to the One who holds the perfect plan for your life.

You’re not dumb. You’re not behind the times. It’s not too late for you. No, you didn’t mess up so bad that you’re going to pay for it for an extraordinary long time.

You’re just “blind" and it’s EXACTLY how God would have it.

Hope this helps you like it did me. 

With love and excitement for what God is doing in you,